Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
