i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
