Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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