She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
