and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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