I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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