did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
