I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
