Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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