We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
