Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
