dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
