oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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