You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
