I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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