i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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