Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
