where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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