Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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