Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
