Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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