i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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