I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
