So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
