You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
