we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
