I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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