It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
