I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
