So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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