the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
