were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
