When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
