Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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