Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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