I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
