I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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