apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
