You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
