Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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