And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
