my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
