i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
