My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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