Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
pray to the hookup gods
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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