Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
