Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
