There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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