I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
being pregnant is like rehab
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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