I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
